Yes, I'm Talking About Underpants

Today a woman bent over in front of me, at the waist, not at the knees like my momma told me all good girls do, and her big ol' butt was right there - right in my face.  After an outburst of, "NASTY" on my part, I couldn't help but notice the thong outline on her backside.  It made me ask myself, why do woman wear an article of clothing that rides up their bum?  Comfort?  Style?  Peer Pressure?  Are there "underpants bullies" that corner women in their work cubicles and threaten to beat them up in the parking lot after work if they don't wear a specific type of undergarments?

Guys have it easy.  They can walk into a store, grab a pack of "tidy whities" and be on their way.  A woman, however, has a cornucopia of selections.  Satin or cotton?  "Granny Panny's" or high thigh?  Bikini or thong?  It goes on and on, and it's mind boggling!

Then there are the different sizes.  Men get small, medium, large, x-large.  Women have numbers.  The higher the number, the bigger the butt.  It should be against the law to purchase a size 10 thong.  Just to give you an idea of how big that is, if David has used a size 10 thong as a slingshot when he killed Goliath, he would have not only killed Goliath, but taken the entire Philestine army with him.

In my day, there was nothing wrong with wearing a regular pair of undies.  As a kid, I had satin undies with each day of the week sewn on a little lacy patch on one leg.  I would never wear the wrong day.  Gym class, everyone had the same underpants.  The thong wasn't invented yet, and the only time undies went up the crack was when my brother gave me a wedgie.

Clean underpants were always important.  We never left the house without the whole, "Make sure you're wearing clean underwear!" speech from my mother.  I use to wonder if that was the first thing the hospital checked for if you're in an accident, and if there was a special emergency room for those not clean.

It should also be against the law for your string, waistband, whatever they call it, to be above your pants.  NASTY!!  Pull your freakin' shirt down.  I don't want to see your butt either.  What has happened to women?  Why are there so many that just don't care?  I don't think it's just the "Wal-Mart" set either.  I've seen it in Target, at the park, on the sidewalk in front of my house, and not just young girls, which makes it even nastier - if that's possible.

I miss the days when men were gentlemen, woman were ladies, and underpants were underpants, not a thing of torture.