Martha Stewart is an Evil Genius!!

Every holiday, I try to do something crafty for my family.  Little things to sit on the table, or something for the place settings.  Just something cute to add to the day, and something they can take home with them. 

This Easter, I decided to color eggs the "Martha Stewart" way and, as a bonus, watch her show all week for some great craft ideas.  It's so easy watching her do everything, and all the "Martha Stewart" brand craft products must be the best because she is the guru of all things creative and I'm sure she would never use any product, or promote any product, or put her name on any product that wasn't the best.  HAH - this mentality is what led me to learn that "Martha Stewart" is an evil genius.

I watched her show, took notes, spent money, and for what? 

Blowing eggs is not easy.  You put a hole in one end, and then the other end.  Take a small straw, like a coffee stirrer, and place it at one hole.  Blowing gently, the egg will come out the other end.  Be sure and break the yolk first so it all will come out.  So I did all that and gently blowing only made me hyperventilate.  Nothing was coming out of the egg.  I blew a little harder, still nothing.  I gave it a big blow and the egg blew - all over my kitchen.  Six eggs later, with egg goo dripping off my kitchen cabinets, I gave up and bought an egg blower I found on a Ukrainian Egg web site.  This worked perfectly.  I bet Martha never had egg goo all over her kitchen.

Eggs blown, rinsed out, dried over night, time to color.  Once again, following the "Martha Stewart" egg app I downloaded on my phone, I mixed the color solutions, and placed the eggs in.  Here is where another lesson is learned - eggs blown don't sink, they float.  Try coloring floating eggs.  My kitchen, just a day before, covered with egg goo, now covered with egg coloring stuff.  My hands looked like I had worked in the coal mines all day.   I bet Martha never had egg coloring stuff all over her hands.

After everything dried, I wanted to decorate the eggs the Martha way.  You think I would have learned at this point - sadly, no.  I got my "Martha Stewart" brand glitter, my craft glue, my thin blue painter's tape - all like I saw Martha do, and started in.  Didn't look hard at all.  Tape off egg, spread glue, sprinkle glitter, dry, remove tape, and presto - an egg that would make Rembrandt jealous.  HAH!  Tape didn't want to stick to the egg, glue stuck to my fingers, glitter everywhere - why am I subjecting myself to this???   I bet Martha never had glitter stuck to her butt.

Still wanting to make "nest's" I saw Martha make, I drove all over creation looking for the paper she used that "could be found in any craft store" - NOT - the money I spent in gas I could have used to buy my own paper mill.  One store even looked online and saw her making the "nest's" - the store employee, who is in charge of crafting at the store, had no idea where to find that paper.  I bought some little baskets and improvised.  I bet Martha never had to drive around looking for paper.

So, standing in my kitchen, watching egg goo dripping off the cabinets, egg coloring stuff all over the counter, still washing glitter out of my butt crack, and burning from the cuts on my hands and fingers from the little baskets I bought, I had an epiphany.  MARTHA STEWART IS AN EVIL GENIUS!!

The woman is rolling in cash because of idiots like me who watch her show and think, "That's not so hard".  We buy all her brand name stuff and, after all the egg goo, and all the coloring, and all the paper cuts, realize nothing Martha does is easy, except drive to the bank.  It's like a dangling fishing lure.  I grabbed hold and she reeled me in.  Now, I'm flopping around like a dead fish on the beach, covered in goo, glitter, and paper scraps.  It takes an evil genius to come up with a plan like that.

I just wish I would have come up with it first!